he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
wanna go halves on a baby?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
