his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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