Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
