I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
