I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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