I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
