I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
