I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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