You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
