I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
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