Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
