I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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