Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
