My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
