I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
