I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
