Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
