i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
