I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
