I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
