you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
vagina is talking i cant
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
we're so committed to being not committed
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
