She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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