I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
