I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
