Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize