the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
