And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
