My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
