I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
