You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
