the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
