The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
