i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
