i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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