I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
