I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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