I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
