FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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