god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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