Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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