WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
