The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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