smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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