I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
