just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize