Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Pants are for mortals
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