Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize