she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
