Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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