Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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