I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize