I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
