So drunk its hurt
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
this hospital has no fireball
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
