Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
