1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
