I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
