You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
