He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
