my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
