even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
