when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
