I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
